15. Cinema

As you may have already guessed, today’s missive is about the cinema, or ‘movies’ if you will.  What you may not have guessed is why on Earth I feel compelled to write about it in a blog that talks about life in the UAE.  I charge you to read on…

Yesterday night my girlfriend and I had some time to kill in Abu Dhabi. After a brief symposium we decided it best to take in a flick before I took her to the airport.  We picked a feel-good film; one we thought wouldn’t compete in terms of attendance size with the much publicised Hungry games, or whatever it’s called.

We went through and seated up at the designated time as dictated on the ticket.  The crowd started to increase in mass during the incessant trailers and adverts.  It was annoying as we both generally prefer a quieter cinema, and at 10pm on Tuesday night we thought we would be successful.  Alas no.  As the masses kept on coming I couldn’t help but notice that 25% of the audience were children.  Not young teens, actual children, unattended.

Slightly bemused I checked the ticket to verify the films rating and sure enough it was rated “15”.  I am not yet at the age whereby I cannot deduce young people’s ages; I am not in my 70’s.  They were inescapably pre-teen, and in some cases pre-double figures.  Where did the largest group of youths decide to sit?  Well obviously it was directly behind us.  It was always going to happen.

The film began and as I sat there enjoying reading all the names of some of the people who had made the film possible the chattering shouting failed to subside.  I started to twitch but had to think my tactics through carefully.  They were behind me so had the advantage of having the high ground, all I had in the bank was the possibility of turning around and bludgeoning them with my oversized cinema-only-super-large Coca-Cola cup.  I was best off leaving them be, hoping someone else would tire and intervene.

A quarter of the way through the film and yet more nonsense presented itself.  After clearly having ignored the quite blatant message at the start advising you to turn your phone on silent, the two older teens on my left engaged in some phone-ism.  Obviously they were messaging their other friends telling them that they were missing a great film.  If I ever see anyone with an iPhone in the cinema again I shall take it and insert it somewhere dark and windy.

There was more phone-ism going on in front.  This time some impudent individual was doing gaming.  I kept monitoring his high score and took solace from the fact that he was utter crap.  All the while those pesky kids behind me kept chattering shouting.

There were some 16-18 year olds sitting near the back and at halfway decided that they were hungry.  With about as much subtlety as a drunken Rhinoceros they proceeded back to the lobby shouting “Bam, bar, bof” to appease their hunger.  The point they made of being as loud as possible made me thankful that I was stuck in front of the youths who were still chattering shouting.

By the time the film was drawing to a close and after all the distractions I had absolutely no idea what Eddie Murphy was doing, or why he couldn’t talk, and why there was a tree there.  I whispered to my girlfriend quietly “sorry hun, why can’t he talk again” to which the person on her right looked at me and said “SSSHH!!! I’M TRYING TO WATCH THIS!!!”

It was at this point the security guards came and evicted the alleged troublesome person who had been making all the noise and ruining the experience for everyone else.

Can someone tell me how the film ends please?

An example of some ancient hieroglyphs... We have been unable to translate its meaning so far...

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