52. Hot car

Damn you Fullard! The gloves did nothing… NOTHING!!!

In order to be respected in life, particularly when writing, one must do some research.  It’s no use flying off on mad tangents assuming everything because all you’re really doing is lying.  This of course means that the people reading your silly words will believe you, and more often than not that will make them do or say something that will be wrong or get them in trouble.

You have to know the facts and take most eventualities into consideration.  In some cases this is not easy, if you’re investigating a murder that goes right to the heart of government then there are going to be a couple of obstacles along the way.  But if you’re just writing a warm and fuzzy cut-out-and-keep guide to help people, then it’s imperative that you get it right.

This brings me neatly onto what I read in the paper today.  The publication was giving some top notch hints and tips on how to keep your car cool when parked during the summer.  My honest opinion?  Codswallop.  And here’s why…

The first point it makes is true, you shouldn’t enter the car straight away.  You want to turn it on for a minute first to get the air conditioning cracking.  But, in the next line it explains why you shouldn’t enter, and that reason is to let all the poisonous gasses and carbon dioxide out.  Poisonous gasses?  What poisonous gasses?  Hydrogen cyanide?  Our atmosphere contains 0.04% CO2 as standard, you can’t make it go away or the atmosphere will explode.  The real reason why you don’t get in is because it’s hotter than the fires of hell.

The next point that is made is encouraging you to break the law.  We are told that we should tint our windows to a minimum of 30%.  I see, so what about the UAE traffic law that clearly states that 30% is the maximum tint percentage allowed?  It goes further to say that you shouldn’t only tint the back windows, but the front ones as well as the windscreen… (!)  The plot thickens; most people in the UAE drive either hire cars or company cars.  The law specifically states that company registered cars may not have tinted windows at all, and you can’t exactly go modifying a hire car can you?  So instantly the article does not apply to 85% of the driving population.

We are also told that leather seats take 2 hours to cool down to room temperature.  Right, I disagree.  The car I primarily drive has leather seats, and even once I take the shade down and leave the air conditioning running for a moment it’s all fine.  I don’t intend on standing outside in the midday sun for 2 hours with the cars engine running to enjoy the luxury of a room temperature bottom.  It’s fine honestly.

The last tip is one I have – as your servant – just experimented with.  We are advised that when our cars are parked we should keep our windows wound down by 6 centimetres.  I tried this and when I went back 30 minutes later it was hotter than ever.  Invariably the warm outside air goes into one window, and…well it made it worse.  I also noticed that not only had the horrible hot air gone inside my car, but so to had half a dozen flies and a deserts worth of sand.  This is infuriating.  The fly is the most irritating pest on the face of the Earth, even more so then Kim Kardashian or one of those stupid Essex-show people, and the dust?  It was everywhere.  So now I have an even hotter car with a swarm of flies and a sand dune in it.

It may be noted that my experiment was conducted at home, with the car on the driveway.  What if I was parked in Dubai Harlem or Abu Dhabi Downtown Miami?  I’d have gained some Celsius’s and some flies, but would have lost my car radio, my CD’s, my phone charger, my laptop and probably the car altogether…  So I think we safely call that option “Plan B”.

So I’ve obliterated all the silly tips provided to you, but do I have an alternative?  Yes.  Just keep a pair of gloves in the glove-box to deal with the hot steering wheel.  And, most importantly, we’re in the UAE, expect it.

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