58. Security

It was General Melchett of the Blackadder fame who insisted that “Security” was not a dirty word, and true enough.  Security comes in many different forms, when I was a very young child my security was Floppy Bear.  In my early teens my security became my bike lock, and nowadays it is obviously money.  Of course security is also a sturdy hardwood door with big brass locks, or a burglar alarm, or a rabid Alsatian with a troubled past and nothing left to lose.  Regardless of what you view as your security in the main it offers peace of mind when you know most of the time you won’t need it.

We all however forget the importance of security measures from time to time; we even adjudge them to be overkill.  I am forever hearing people complaining about the levels of security you get at airports.  I am guilty of it too.  I am a terrible flyer so I appreciate that it takes people 2 hours to get through the security checks, but not me.  I should be allowed straight through because I’m me.  Oh how I would kick myself if I was held at gunpoint on a plane.   Love them or hate them the endless security checks leave me safe in the knowledge that everyone else has been checked for explosives and weapons and that I will enjoy listening to the fat man on my left snoring for 7 hours without fear of a scuffle.

I see the same with the Olympics this year.  There are, I guess you can call them people, who are moaning and whining about the security bill being spent on the London games.  Ok, £1 billion is a lot, but what would you say if a bomb went off in the stadium?  “They should have done more I tells ya!”  You can’t have it both ways.  As it happens this year I will be returning to London during the Olympics so would quite happily walk through the security gate naked if I had too.

Back home in the Kingdom of England we are constantly told of stories in the national media about intrusions, burglaries and different kinds of theft and, in the main, it keeps us on guard.  When I take my Ford Focus to the petrol station to wipe out my savings for a gallon of crushed dinosaur bones I lock my car when I go inside to pay.  The thought of leaving it unlocked, even for a minute, is incomprehensible.  Likewise when I leave the house in Surbiton I am sure to lock the windows, set the burglar alarm and double lock the front door.  I don’t even think about it, its second nature to me.

Well, well, well, The Hamburglar…we meet again

However living in the UAE things are different.  I’m going to sit here for a few minutes whilst you go and flick back through the morning papers.  Go on, I can wait.  Done?  Ok.  How many stories of break-ins or theft did you spot, none eh?  I thought so.  These incidents do happen.  Occasionally you read about them, but I’d guess only 1 out of 50 cases.  There are robberies, there is crime.  Not on the same level as what goes on in London for sure, but misdeeds do happen.  The problem is that we are not told of them.  Now in some situations that is a good thing.  The last thing you want is for The Hamburglar to be aware that Dixon of Dock Green is after him, so let’s keep it hush until he’s caught.  When he is, would you mind letting us all know?  We will then take further measures to ensure our stuff is secure.

The absence of information about such things in the press can make us complacent.  Why only the other day I took a comedy-style briefcase full of cash and left it on my doorstep for an hour or so just for a laugh.  It could so have easily been taken.  Now we’re in the grip of summer I go outside in the morning and turn the car on for 5-10 minutes to let the air conditioning eat all of the mythical poisonous gases, how has the car not been stolen yet?  I must have unwittingly had some near misses.

I know full well why such things are generally kept out of the media.  But as I fear that the men outside in black suits and Range Rovers have been staking me out for the last fortnight I shall try to explain it metaphorically…

If a bear asks a bee if he can buy the hives honey, the bear will want to know how many bees there were and how much honey is being made.  The bee, who knows full well that there are some lazy bees that are not conforming to hive-law, will not be entirely honest, he will disguise the fact by keeping it out of The Bee Gazette.  He will say that there is far more honey than there actually is and that all the bees are law abiding bee-tizens .  The bear thinks he is getting a good deal, but certain facts were kept from him.  Had the bee been totally honest he would have lost the investment of the bear…  The bee was trying to save his reputation as a hard working honey maker.

Always lock up everything.  Help the UAE and help yourself.  So there you have it…hang on doorbell…

…No, Martin Fullard doesn’t live here.  No I haven’t read his blog.  Me?  My name is Mr…….. Shhnnrubb…Nice Range Rover by th………………………………..

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