76. Courting

Hey there gorgeous….. you wouldn’t have a charger for an iPhone would you?

As one or two of you may now know I am engaged to be married.  When you grow up getting into relationships and the like is far easier.  You know your place in the world, you have found your social band and you work to your own tolerances.  To get to this stage of relative confidence you have obviously had to learn the hard way.  You have had to take the knocks, the bad hair days when the bit at the back just won’t stay down and of course the crushing rejection of a failed attempt.  Ah, to be a hapless and hopeless teenager again.

Pitching woo is a tricky order as you really only have one shot to get it right.  Screw up first contact and its back to the bar with you, alone.  By all means you are welcome to be persistent if you think your target is worth the hassle, but be warned, you are bordering on harassment.  If after several hours you are still being rejected by someone then may I strongly advise that you take stock of the situation and retire?  Move on to someone else.

What never fails to draw the attention of the people watchers is a good old fashioned public humiliation.  We cringe with dismay if the innocent courter has made a genuine effort to be polite and strike up a conversation about socks or favourite films, but we rejoice and laugh if the rejectee is a big burly chauvinist who thinks that by owning 2 iPhones and a hands-free kit somehow makes them irresistible.  So if you are planning on slapping on some mighty fine rap, make a precautionary sweep of the immediate environment and if you see me sitting there, think twice.  Because I will be mocking you.

Of course over here in the UAE there are lots of different cultures that all have different ideas on how members of the opposite sex should be treated.  There are, then, lots of egos to bruise.  Everyone has a duty to understand the others culture.  If you are sitting enjoying a cocktail with your chums and a man from the local environment comes up to your table and starts flexing his enhanced biceps whilst bragging about how many iPhones and Land Cruisers he owns then put him down gently.  Likewise, if you are the man with the iPhones and the arms, know when you’re beaten.  No means no, just as sod off means sod off.

Top tip for the courtee:  Never, under any circumstances accept a gift from anyone that has a street value of more than a drink.  If you’re sitting at the bar and Johnny iPhones sits down next you and, after praising your lovely ear lobes, offers you a Cartier watch then politely decline.  Of course, you are insulting him, but in the long run it’s for the best.  If you accept the gift then somewhere down the line the other party is going to expect remuneration.  This is a game you likely do not want to play.  Politely tell the person that you are married, or are in a foul mood or even an undercover police officer.  This should grant you some peace.

Top tip for the courter:  Never, under any circumstance offer a gift to anyone that has a street value of more than a drink.  If you see someone sitting at the bar that only has a pathetic Blackberry, do not whip out both iPhones, do not praise their ear lobes and do not give them the Cartier watch you bought for the other girl that rejected you last Thursday.  You are being selfish, if you feel insulted that they don’t accept the watch then really that’s your problem, deal with it.  If they accept the gift that you offer, hang your head in shame since your true motives are obvious.  Your game is ill planned.  If your target tells you that they are married, or they’re in a bad mood or indeed they are undercover on a drugs bust, get the hint and move on.

Last night I was out in a bar in Al Ain that I shall spare from embarrassment, but I can tell you that it rhymes with Vader Bricks.  Anyway, there she was, all blonde and Western.  Laughing, joking, making merry, she was having the time of her life.  Then, a non Western man with a tapered torso and freshly groomed facial hair moved in for the kill.  I was too far away to heed the entire conversation but it was obvious that tempers were beginning to flare on both sides.  Again, it was quite loud in there but I did distinctively hear the young lady shout “Duck cough for duck’s sake!  You are a ducking pervert, duck cough!”  Beardy didn’t take too kindly and there were some hand gestures displayed that I would find difficult to describe with words.  Anyway, he obviously had difficulty comprehending the word “no”.  Who was in the wrong?

Men, if you are going to pitch woo, may I suggest you drop me a line first so I can point you in the right direction?  Ladies, don’t swear, don’t take the watch and don’t get sucked in by the iPhones.

Stick a ring on your finger and then they will leave you alone.

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9 thoughts on “76. Courting

  1. I was there too! How did I miss this?

  2. dan says:

    Great reading as ever !!!

  3. dan says:

    pitching woo !! made me smile and think of the lady from the hilton !!

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