102. Fashion II

A while ago I decided that it was time to branch out and join the popular fold of beauty/fashion blogs.  In all honesty it didn’t go very well.  I was unable to differentiate between nail polishes and was certain that anyone who dressed like Justin Beaver was clearly a sandwich short of a picnic and had no worthy stake in society.  Living in the UAE for nearly 5 years has resulted in me losing touch with what is hot and what is not in the fashion world but I’m not one for giving up.  So, I’m going to give it another go and see if all my talk of fashion and eye liner can win me favour with the cool kids.

In the UAE there are indeed many different people who, when on a night out, dress like imbeciles.  Last night my fiancé and I were out in a reputed Al Ain bar when our evening was interrupted by a group of people making a dreadful din.  One of their party was a child and was promptly turned away, and two others were wearing shorts.  Shorts are not allowed in this bar yet the ringleader of the ensemble persisted to argue.  He lost his battle and the inappropriately dressed males in their shorts were asked to leave.

Curiously, the ones wearing “trousers” were, as far as I was concerned, 10 times more offensive than those in shorts.  I am not making this up, one guy, who was plainly a lifetime member of the Association of Utter Morons, was wearing a tight fitted pink t-shirt that looked as if it had been purchased from Mothercare.  He twinned this with a pair of exceptionally tight fitting trousers that looked like flowery wallpaper ripped from the walls of a 1930’s middle class home.  And sandals!  Sandals!  On the left steroid enhanced bicep there was a tattoo of some pretentious Japanese writing that probably didn’t make any literal sense in actual Japanese and of course his haircut was embarrassing to look at; shaved on both sides with a tuft running from bow to stern on the top.  By all accounts he looked absolutely ridiculous.  Oh, and we could see his underwear too.

He was the worst example, the rest of them were similar.  I have never been so angry just by looking at people.  How can two lads wearing plain shirts and smart shorts be turned away, yet this buffoon be allowed inside?  This is the kind of person who thinks that he rules the roost and that his inane plumage will attract him girls and money.  No, my friend, anywhere else in the world and it will attract bits of broken glass, snooker cues and some very mean words.

Of course though, what right do I have to judge someone by what they choose to wear?  Every right as far as I’m concerned, but my arrogance of what a real man should be wearing was today completely blown out of the water.  I sit here well and truly humbled.

…Darling this colour is just all wrong! She is the bride of Satan.

Today I was fortunate enough to have lunch with the UAE’s answer to Trinny and Susannah.  They spent quite a lot of time explaining to me how I could improve on the whole fashion lark and increase UAE Uncut readership at the same time.  Wow, fashion brilliance and viral glory, double bubble.

Sadly it would seem that my flippancy does not win me any fashion credits as I was charged with the most heinous of crimes; an innocent intention to wear black shoes.  It would appear that black shoes are like, so last century, and for a man to wear them with a suit is akin to some pious z-lister wearing fur to a PETA meeting.  No really, wearing your grandmother’s curtains to a fancy bar, that’s ok, wear black shoes to a wedding and you’re tarred with the same brush as Jeffery Archer.

They both got very cross with me when I innocently stated that I would be wearing a pair of black shoes to both my best friends wedding next March and my own wedding next July.  Honestly, I would have received more favourable glares from them both had I come out in support of the late Jimmy Saville.  No, black is out.  Brown is the new black.  I have nothing against brown shoes, in fact, I already own brown shoes.  I prefer them, but I assumed that they would be a bit too loud for a formal occasion such as a wedding.  I am wrong on every level apparently.

I totally understand that some colours shouldn’t be mixed; I for one would never wear a pair of orange shoes with my pink trousers, but black, I thought, was a guaranteed winner every time.  It got me thinking, what else am I doing wrong?  I look around and I see every conceivable kind of style on display.  No matter where you are in the UAE there are jeans, shirts, dresses, skirts, baseball caps with labels on worn at obtuse angles, curtains, feathers, jars of mustard…it seems that just about anything goes.  So how can we determine what is right and what is wrong if you can smear a jar of Colemans over your chest and call it an office shirt and still be accepted as normal?  It’s a veritable smorgasbord out there, who’s in charge?!

If anything goes with anything then why can’t a pair of black shoes be worn with either a grey or a navy suit?  Is it just too far out there?  No, apparently it just doesn’t “go,” a misappropriated verb that has seemingly lost its meaning.

I may understand Middle Eastern politics, the social effects of the Eurozone recession, what really happened to Coventry in the Second World War, know how a server infrastructure works and how to make the perfect scrambled eggs, but I just don’t understand how the world accepts flowery skin-tight curtain trousers and has turned its back on black shoes.  They are the fallen giants of gentleman’s fashion, gone the way of the pocket watch and the bowler hat; relic’s of a forgotten time.

Still, I don’t like black shoes anyway and the silver lining is I don’t have to buy them now.  I just need to smear some mustard on my brown ones and I’m lit.

There, can I be a popular fashion blogger now?

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