Well, here we are, today and ever more will always be a mystery. The Mayan’s long count calendar has finally finished and since it was able to accurately predict absolutely everything from 3012BC until today – including the lottery numbers I may add, missed that trick – we can now move on; the future is officially here.
Over the last week the media has been working up a bit of a frenzy, albeit saturated in mocking-drenched discourse. They have enjoyed putting the fear of God into their readers. We have all been titillated by the catchy headlines and the pictures of planets crashing into Africa and have read such articles only for light relief. We have kept our tongues firmly in our cheeks and have chuckled at the pictures of all the people wearing tin-foil hats and sitting in dinghy’s in the middle of Welsh fields for our amusement. We wonder what on Earth went so wrong for these people at one point in their lives that they felt they had to head to a hillside in Serbia to wait for a flying saucer to emerge from it.
But now the fabled – and incorrect – date has been and gone, what happens now? I mean we all knew it was nonsense and all seemed very far fetched, but what will all the mad druids who dance around Stonehenge in their pyjamas refer to as gospel now? Well, here in the UAE there has been a discovery; a new doomsday calendar. Yep, it’s called the UAE Uncut Calendar and has been carved into the side of an ancient beer mat. Where this artefact was found I cannot say but I can tell you that it was sent straight to the Lablogatory and given 10 thumbs up for authenticity by the UAE Uncut science department. Then it was sent to the UAE Uncut Xenolinguistics department and the results were quite shocking. If you believe that a couple of 5000 year old masons were able to predict the future without an iPad, then you certainly won’t like what’s coming next…
It would appear that this new calendar predicts the future of the UAE. Although the details appear a little vague and quite general and all-encompassing, it has some interesting points that are worth noting. Firstly it predicts that Abu Dhabi’s oil reserves will run out at some point in the 21st Century. This is bad news for ADNOC and the emirate in general. Because although a lot of the oil wealth has been reinvested in Abu Dhabi with the idea of making it a major tourist attraction, most of the revenue is in fact going to be invested further into Manchester City FC. It would seem that Roberto Mancini is sacked at the end of 2012/13 season and the managerial nomad that is Mark Hughes is curiously reinstated. Lusting for vengeance on the City board after his 2009 sacking, he cancels all first team players contracts, meaning that they all receive a payout totalling billions. They are then relegated from the Premier League and the investment is lost.
Elsewhere in Abu Dhabi, the Ultimate Fighting Championship hits rocky ground when a campaign is launched that brands the entire thing, and I quote, “A massive, hypocritical joke.” It would seem that pitting two metro-sexual men wearing only a pair of Y-fronts and some socks in a cage together defies the moral code that the UAE has instilled in its people. The calendar predicts uproar from the people when a poster of one fighting man is displayed by the Corniche Road. The inappropriate image of a man in pants whilst standing on the head of his defeated opponent was branded “negative” by a consortium of conservatives.
Dubai too is set for hard times. In the same way that the Mayans predicted the 2008 global financial crisis, the UAE Uncut Calendar confirms that there will be another collapse in 2015. This is set to be ten times worse than the ’08 crunch and is caused by the collapse of the Euro and the onset of World War III in Europe, when Greece invades Germany and asks for its change. It will cause untold misery for Dubai’s contractors and investors. It would seem that starting a AED 3 billion project with nothing for capital than a bag full of magic beans has repercussions when, like before, all the suppliers want paying and all the staff want their wages. The Deira region of Dubai is left in an apocalyptic state with half finished buildings and floating canals peppered with red and white blocks and motionless cranes.
The calendar also hints that Dubai will turn to its far richer neighbour – Abu Dhabi – and ask for another loan. They are laughed out of the room after being reminded that they are still trying to repay the $44 billion loan from before. The attempt proved futile anyway as Abu Dhabi won’t have much left either because it has gone to Mario Balotelli and Carlos Tevez.
To try and claw back some of the multi-billion dollar deficit, a salary restructure together with taxation on income is then implemented across all seven emirates in 2016. This results in substantial salary cuts for all public sector workers meaning that they will be paid what the job is actually worth, and not what they simply want it to be. The pay for private sector employees remains undefined but people still refuse to enter it because it is trending on Twitter as #uncool.
Those who once enjoyed a lavish and hedonistic lifestyle soon begin to learn the importance of money and, of those that don’t kill themselves, start to make some changes. People will no longer be able to pay for maids, or personal drivers or even more than one car. As a result the second hand car market is flooded with Land Cruisers, but as demand is so low the cars lose 95% of their value, making them nigh on worthless. Real estate agents become inundated with fancy houses that are just uneconomical to rent, no one can afford to buy, and the market collapses. The lights are turned out.
Don’t worry everyone, if the Mayan calendar is anything to go by then this is all just meaningless scribbles on a proverbial slate. If, however, the IMF calendar is anything to go by then run, run for the hills…
…But not the hill with the UFO buried under it, because that’s bullshit…
UAE Uncut is shutting down for the festive period. We will return in January with more inane crap for you to use to fill 5 minutes of your day. Thank you to everyone who takes time to read the pointless ramblings of my good self. Have a Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year.